the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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