I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
