I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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