Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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