Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
