i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize