too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
