At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
