i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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