his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
