I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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