You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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