It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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