I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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