You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
