Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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