CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
