I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
