White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
