I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
