When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I think your dad took our porno
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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