theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
