RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Barsexuality is the new black.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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