Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
