he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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