Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
