mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
