True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize