I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
