I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
