Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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