I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
