I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
two words...techno handjob
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Randomize
