we have pet lesbian snakes
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
