2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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