Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
