I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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