Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
