Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
