some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
