I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
