waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
