I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
We were destined to go to rehab together
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
