Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
