Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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