guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize