hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
