I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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