those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
