He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
