Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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