if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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