I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
