THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
