She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
